What is love?

Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...

So, I've been not updating for a while. I've been doing other things than thinking about my existence, my purpose, my relationship with my husband, my lack of employment and inability to focus long on too much.

What, you may ask, have I been up to?

I have been making lunch.

I've also been watching porn, hentai, and reading fanfics, which is like porn for women, which a lot of men don't quite get. Oh, and before I got on this kick, I was playing stupid facebook games that I almost want to delete now because they require you to log in and play them once a day. I'm so totally for Ninjawarz now...I hadn't logged in in like 5 months, and came back and had all these karma points to distribute, all this gold to spend, and no commitment. :) Ninjawarz, you can be my fuck buddy!!

So, We haven't had the Discussion yet. There are definite perks that make me feel quite comfortable and happy here in Billings, MT, namely family and shelter from the elements. Yes, I thought about finding some part time job when I first got here. But when I realized how ambitious Michal was about the renovations to the place, that kinda flew out the window. And true, I didn't spend all my time working, but then again, neither did he.

He has this idea that I don't always want to go to California. Usually, this idea presents itself when he believes me to be unhappy with him. And yes, sometimes I am unhappy with him. I have nothing against California, but I do sometimes have something against him. Usually it is something that I lack the tact to say without getting pissed off. I am currently avoiding the issue, because what will it get me if I say, "No dear. I can't go with you on your adventure, because you're driving me up the wall right now."

I've procrastinated a little bit over the past two weeks. I could've painted the living room in that time, and ripped up the carpet as well, but does it really matter? It won't take me very long to get it done now that I've got the ceiling painted. Oh, that was fun for my arms...two coats and holding a stick over my head for five hours.

Sometimes I ache so much for his affection. Sometimes I wish, instead of him focusing so much on what he doesn't like about me and my shortcomings, he'd remember that I also have good qualities.

It's not like I don't know that I love him, or hate him. It would be indifference that would signal the end of the relationship, right? That moment, when you realize you just don't give a damn what he thinks anymore. I'm not there yet, but some of the things he's said have hurt me, especially when they are true.

Like that day in Hewitt's when he thought I was dressed not respectably enough.

Like the fact that we don't really make love, but we occasionally have sex. Like, twice a month, maybe three or four. I've taken to masturbation and fantasizing about a Romantic Stranger. Julio Gonzales, or whoever you are, thanks for putting up with my sexy thoughts. Michal, feel free to jump in any time. I miss you.

All I really want him to consider is his own actions towards me. He sees it quite well from his perspective, but if I think he were to sit down, think about his complaints sometimes about what I do and what I don't do, and why I get angry and frustrated with him, perhaps he'll have a little sympathy towards me. Sometimes all I get from him are orders barked all day. Sometimes, I'll get a peck on the cheek. Sometimes, I get a lecture. Thankfully I get several hugs a day. I don't know what I'd do without those...

holy garage sale batman

the garage sale is tomorrow. holy shit.

Stupid is as stupid does

I have had a weird week.

And stupid is really as stupid does.

I spent some money, went for a ridiculous road trip, and really hurt his feelings. I feel awful about it. I hope he will forgive me for being a wimp about him and everything else.

And we need to talk, and also to have our own separate but equally fulfilling lives. There is a change on the horizon, and change is healthy and good, but also scary and stressful. I need the grace to accept it with an open heart, and not panic.

the list of things to do

I need to first of all do a little bit each day.

I need to repack the boxes of books, dvd's, and videogames that michal wants to keep.

I need to get the furniture sold.

I need to get my car and Michal's old subaru sold.

I need to make sure we eat nutritiously as well, or we'll just get ill and stressed out.

I need to keep hope that all these things will go easy, and not panic if we don't get everything done.

I need to not give up and quit in the middle of the road. There has been a tendancy to want to do this in my lifetime, especially when the going gets tough. However, it is not an option today, or tomorrow, and it certainly wouldn't help me to quit on everything that I know and love. I need to work on my relationship with Michal as well, and be more optimistic about everything.

Above all else, I need to remember that I have a purpose and value, and that wallowing in self-pity and misery will only hurt me in the long run. After all, the future is sure to be brighter than the past, and I have family who love and care about me.

Rainy Day

Here is a thought for me to ponder. My attachments even to my ideas can cause me to suffer. If I believe it will be difficult, then of course it will be. If I believe it will be easy, then my suffering is definitely lessened.

If I believe that this will be the easiest move, then it will be. If I believe that the going is rough, then not only do I suffer, but those around me, as well. The only thing that I truly have control of in this life are my mind and my actions, and I'd rather be happy than sad, and for those around me to be as well.

Therefore, if I believe that everything will be well, then it will be. If I don't mind, then it doesn't matter. If it seems to matter too much, then it burdens my mind.

I don't truly know what will happen to me in this life, but there are three certain truths which I can find comfort in. When you are kind to others, they are kind to you. When you find a way to enjoy the work in front of you, even a tremendous task can be accomplished with a few small steps each day. Lastly, home is wherever you rest your head at night, even if it is a small space indeed.

JET

So I am not going to work for Jet. I was pretty bummed out yesterday and cried a lot about it, because it always seems that no matter how hard I try, it is just not quite good enough. But now that I have had a night to sleep on it, and think about it a little this morning, my application really did not show that I wanted to be in Japan. I just want to be where my husband is, and since he is getting the interview, there is no guarantee that he'll get accepted either. But what a shame it would be if he didn't! I have two scenarios playing through my mind. We go back to Montana, I find work and start saving up for my plane ticket to Japan, and go and hang out and work part time jobs there. Just like David and Carrie, except reversed. It could be a lot of fun exploring a new culture. Scenario two: I stay behind in Montana and visit my relatives, and work. Considering that I've spent five years apart from them and six months apart from Michal, I could definitely do it and not be miserable. It would be a lot of fun to hang out with Pete and Mom, and go see Mary and Gabby. I'm even looking forward to seeing Helen again! I must be going crazy. Plus I could call Michal for free on skype whenever I wanted to. I could even go work for Nyingma if I don't find work in Montana, and explore Buddhism. In reality, a year is a very short time, and although I would miss Michal terribly if I decided to go the familial route, we would be fine. And think of the crazy sex we'd have when we saw each other again!

The trick for now, is to stay focused on the tasks that must be done, and stay positive about the whole mess. For there is nothing that I can do about any of it except have faith that it will all end well. My goal for each day is to be loving and kind to Michal, to eat delicious meals, and worry less about everything that we have to do. I don't have to do everything alone, because my buddy is with me. Sure, we have a lot to do, but we just do what we can each day, and whatever doesn't get done, we can leave to the next day. It makes no sense to get too stressed out over the small stuff, for we just do what we can, no matter what. And sometimes it's not enough, and that's ok.

On Kindness

I just finished reading a book called Mastering Successful Work, written by a buddhist. What I found most interesting was the lesson of working with kindness and consideration for your co-workers. It certainly makes life easier when you are kind to your husband, and the other people you interact with on a daily basis. It truly is the little acts of kindness which makes life more enjoyable, for we often get so caught up in our own lives that we forget that our actions may have consequences on other people.

When you resist the work that must be done, such as I am resisting the act of moving and many other hobbies that I generally enjoy, you begin to suffer internally. The act of suffering, even though it may seem an insignificant thing that can be put up with for a time, is what Buddha is trying to teach us to avoid.

For example, at this moment, I am quite cold and do not have to be so because Gwen is afraid that we will use up all her wood and burn down her house. As the temperatures reach freezing this week, we shall actually physically suffer because of her wish, which we shall respect, but it does make me wonder about her. However, I shall not press it on her because it will upset her, and she is quite prone to anger. It makes me sad for I do like her a great deal, but the little things that I have noticed over the years of being her friend make me realize that she can on occasion be quite inconsiderate to the people around her.

As for my husband, I greatly enjoy his company, and if I do not get into Jet with him, I do not wish to part with him, but whatever happens must happen. There is little that I can do now but wait and be patient. I shall not worry about the interview, because I have absolutely no control over their decision, and by the grace of God I will continue to wait. Perhaps this coming week I will get my confirmation, and get to go with him to be interviewed.

If this year and a half of waiting has taught me anything, it is that I can endure a lot more than I think I can, as long as I get plenty of rest and breathe calmly. I feel no fear about the future, which is strange, for even if I have no home, I shall be among friends and family. Even if the world provides me with a tent, I shall be happy in that tent, and sing to the birds in the trees.

I mostly wanted to go to church today to hear people singing. I miss that a little bit! I miss my mother's singing. I can't wait to sing with her when I come back to Montana this spring, but I shall have to wait just a little bit!

My Husband, part deux.

I still love him. I recognize that the moment I stop loving him is the moment that I'll have to walk away. The moment when we have that huge fight and I feel nothing about it.

It's a sobering thought. We've known each other for almost ten years now, and some of the magic has dissipated, but we're very comfortable together. Marriage is not all easy-peasy, it takes a lot of hard work and discipline to make it work. The alternative is to be alone, which doesn't seem that appealing.

The secret is to have little adventures each day, sometimes together, sometimes apart. I get pretty bored of all the things I've been doing lately, especially watching TV and video games. Yes, I am tired of video games.

When you're waiting around for Jet and possibly California to happen, it takes a lot of patience and a little faith. I have been waiting for a year and a half for something good to happen after I got fired for no good reason. I am so ready for a positive change! As long as I get plenty of rest and exercise, I feel I can cope with any sort of stress. I am looking forward to seeing my family in Montana, and to spending quality time with Mom, Pete, and Mary Anne. The poopy ones can go suck it!

my husband

He is out drinking with friends. I should be out there with him, but to be honest, I don't feel like having alcohol tonight.

He can be very demanding at times, especially when he is very stressed out. Sometimes he is very difficult to live with, and I have to escape to cope with him. He seems to be watching how much I spend like a hawk, so if I want to spend something on a frivolous pursuit, he knows about it. It is very interesting to be so closely watched. It makes me uncomfortable at times. He is certainly becoming a control freak.

I think my meds are totally unnecessary. I want to get off of them gradually, but they're the capsules with slow release. If I don't take them, I don't sleep, and then everything gets so much harder. They never really answered my question of "AM I BIPOLAR". It is a simple yes or no question. They just pumped me full of drugs and assumed that it would work because I was so stressed out, but I know myself and know my capabilities and when to quit. I think sleeping pills would have sufficed. I truly do not believe that I am bipolar, and even if I am, I am the type of person who would never let it get out of control like Dad was. I truly believe during my time of crisis, I needed to separate from Michal, and that at least at the hospital, I was in a safe place. However, I also believe that I simply needed a vacation from my husband, because he was being a little cruel to me and totally unaware of how bad I was feeling, because he was so caught up in his silly anime festival. It still bothers me, because I'm worried about the next time we both get stressed out. It was like being married to Helen to the nth degree. I was considering separating from him for a little while, because I think some time apart would do us some good, because we have been seeing each other for a year and driving each other crazy. It's like when married couples retire and find themselves with a total stranger. It's been better lately, which gives me hope for the future, but I'm scared that I will be ignored when I ask him about this, because it really bothers me. It bothers me a lot. What can I do now but wait and hope for the best.

I write this, because what else can I do?