my husband

He is out drinking with friends. I should be out there with him, but to be honest, I don't feel like having alcohol tonight.

He can be very demanding at times, especially when he is very stressed out. Sometimes he is very difficult to live with, and I have to escape to cope with him. He seems to be watching how much I spend like a hawk, so if I want to spend something on a frivolous pursuit, he knows about it. It is very interesting to be so closely watched. It makes me uncomfortable at times. He is certainly becoming a control freak.

I think my meds are totally unnecessary. I want to get off of them gradually, but they're the capsules with slow release. If I don't take them, I don't sleep, and then everything gets so much harder. They never really answered my question of "AM I BIPOLAR". It is a simple yes or no question. They just pumped me full of drugs and assumed that it would work because I was so stressed out, but I know myself and know my capabilities and when to quit. I think sleeping pills would have sufficed. I truly do not believe that I am bipolar, and even if I am, I am the type of person who would never let it get out of control like Dad was. I truly believe during my time of crisis, I needed to separate from Michal, and that at least at the hospital, I was in a safe place. However, I also believe that I simply needed a vacation from my husband, because he was being a little cruel to me and totally unaware of how bad I was feeling, because he was so caught up in his silly anime festival. It still bothers me, because I'm worried about the next time we both get stressed out. It was like being married to Helen to the nth degree. I was considering separating from him for a little while, because I think some time apart would do us some good, because we have been seeing each other for a year and driving each other crazy. It's like when married couples retire and find themselves with a total stranger. It's been better lately, which gives me hope for the future, but I'm scared that I will be ignored when I ask him about this, because it really bothers me. It bothers me a lot. What can I do now but wait and hope for the best.

I write this, because what else can I do?