JET

So I am not going to work for Jet. I was pretty bummed out yesterday and cried a lot about it, because it always seems that no matter how hard I try, it is just not quite good enough. But now that I have had a night to sleep on it, and think about it a little this morning, my application really did not show that I wanted to be in Japan. I just want to be where my husband is, and since he is getting the interview, there is no guarantee that he'll get accepted either. But what a shame it would be if he didn't! I have two scenarios playing through my mind. We go back to Montana, I find work and start saving up for my plane ticket to Japan, and go and hang out and work part time jobs there. Just like David and Carrie, except reversed. It could be a lot of fun exploring a new culture. Scenario two: I stay behind in Montana and visit my relatives, and work. Considering that I've spent five years apart from them and six months apart from Michal, I could definitely do it and not be miserable. It would be a lot of fun to hang out with Pete and Mom, and go see Mary and Gabby. I'm even looking forward to seeing Helen again! I must be going crazy. Plus I could call Michal for free on skype whenever I wanted to. I could even go work for Nyingma if I don't find work in Montana, and explore Buddhism. In reality, a year is a very short time, and although I would miss Michal terribly if I decided to go the familial route, we would be fine. And think of the crazy sex we'd have when we saw each other again!

The trick for now, is to stay focused on the tasks that must be done, and stay positive about the whole mess. For there is nothing that I can do about any of it except have faith that it will all end well. My goal for each day is to be loving and kind to Michal, to eat delicious meals, and worry less about everything that we have to do. I don't have to do everything alone, because my buddy is with me. Sure, we have a lot to do, but we just do what we can each day, and whatever doesn't get done, we can leave to the next day. It makes no sense to get too stressed out over the small stuff, for we just do what we can, no matter what. And sometimes it's not enough, and that's ok.

On Kindness

I just finished reading a book called Mastering Successful Work, written by a buddhist. What I found most interesting was the lesson of working with kindness and consideration for your co-workers. It certainly makes life easier when you are kind to your husband, and the other people you interact with on a daily basis. It truly is the little acts of kindness which makes life more enjoyable, for we often get so caught up in our own lives that we forget that our actions may have consequences on other people.

When you resist the work that must be done, such as I am resisting the act of moving and many other hobbies that I generally enjoy, you begin to suffer internally. The act of suffering, even though it may seem an insignificant thing that can be put up with for a time, is what Buddha is trying to teach us to avoid.

For example, at this moment, I am quite cold and do not have to be so because Gwen is afraid that we will use up all her wood and burn down her house. As the temperatures reach freezing this week, we shall actually physically suffer because of her wish, which we shall respect, but it does make me wonder about her. However, I shall not press it on her because it will upset her, and she is quite prone to anger. It makes me sad for I do like her a great deal, but the little things that I have noticed over the years of being her friend make me realize that she can on occasion be quite inconsiderate to the people around her.

As for my husband, I greatly enjoy his company, and if I do not get into Jet with him, I do not wish to part with him, but whatever happens must happen. There is little that I can do now but wait and be patient. I shall not worry about the interview, because I have absolutely no control over their decision, and by the grace of God I will continue to wait. Perhaps this coming week I will get my confirmation, and get to go with him to be interviewed.

If this year and a half of waiting has taught me anything, it is that I can endure a lot more than I think I can, as long as I get plenty of rest and breathe calmly. I feel no fear about the future, which is strange, for even if I have no home, I shall be among friends and family. Even if the world provides me with a tent, I shall be happy in that tent, and sing to the birds in the trees.

I mostly wanted to go to church today to hear people singing. I miss that a little bit! I miss my mother's singing. I can't wait to sing with her when I come back to Montana this spring, but I shall have to wait just a little bit!

My Husband, part deux.

I still love him. I recognize that the moment I stop loving him is the moment that I'll have to walk away. The moment when we have that huge fight and I feel nothing about it.

It's a sobering thought. We've known each other for almost ten years now, and some of the magic has dissipated, but we're very comfortable together. Marriage is not all easy-peasy, it takes a lot of hard work and discipline to make it work. The alternative is to be alone, which doesn't seem that appealing.

The secret is to have little adventures each day, sometimes together, sometimes apart. I get pretty bored of all the things I've been doing lately, especially watching TV and video games. Yes, I am tired of video games.

When you're waiting around for Jet and possibly California to happen, it takes a lot of patience and a little faith. I have been waiting for a year and a half for something good to happen after I got fired for no good reason. I am so ready for a positive change! As long as I get plenty of rest and exercise, I feel I can cope with any sort of stress. I am looking forward to seeing my family in Montana, and to spending quality time with Mom, Pete, and Mary Anne. The poopy ones can go suck it!

my husband

He is out drinking with friends. I should be out there with him, but to be honest, I don't feel like having alcohol tonight.

He can be very demanding at times, especially when he is very stressed out. Sometimes he is very difficult to live with, and I have to escape to cope with him. He seems to be watching how much I spend like a hawk, so if I want to spend something on a frivolous pursuit, he knows about it. It is very interesting to be so closely watched. It makes me uncomfortable at times. He is certainly becoming a control freak.

I think my meds are totally unnecessary. I want to get off of them gradually, but they're the capsules with slow release. If I don't take them, I don't sleep, and then everything gets so much harder. They never really answered my question of "AM I BIPOLAR". It is a simple yes or no question. They just pumped me full of drugs and assumed that it would work because I was so stressed out, but I know myself and know my capabilities and when to quit. I think sleeping pills would have sufficed. I truly do not believe that I am bipolar, and even if I am, I am the type of person who would never let it get out of control like Dad was. I truly believe during my time of crisis, I needed to separate from Michal, and that at least at the hospital, I was in a safe place. However, I also believe that I simply needed a vacation from my husband, because he was being a little cruel to me and totally unaware of how bad I was feeling, because he was so caught up in his silly anime festival. It still bothers me, because I'm worried about the next time we both get stressed out. It was like being married to Helen to the nth degree. I was considering separating from him for a little while, because I think some time apart would do us some good, because we have been seeing each other for a year and driving each other crazy. It's like when married couples retire and find themselves with a total stranger. It's been better lately, which gives me hope for the future, but I'm scared that I will be ignored when I ask him about this, because it really bothers me. It bothers me a lot. What can I do now but wait and hope for the best.

I write this, because what else can I do?

Hospital

I have spent a week in the hospital trying different medications. It surely sucked. I hope that I won't have to do it that way again! Although, some of it was interesting, and I got the message drilled into my head that I must take care of myself.

Which is true.

Pizza...

So, totally out of the blue, a lot of things have happened, and it calls for a celebratory Pizza.

Dough is easy to make. Any cookbook will tell you how, but it generally tastes best if you put in a lot of love in your kneading, until it is as soft and supple as a newborn's bottom. I'm not sure how it would work to try using a gluten-free flour, but there's got to be a way to use some sort of non-wheat product that will still produce a thin crusted tasty dough, right?

Sauce is also easy. I steal some Prego sauce and add a ton of garlic to it, some pepper, and other seasonings to taste.

Mozzarella is decidedly delicious. Shred as much as you want on it. I like more, opposed to less.

Spread any tasty vegetables on top that you want. Sauteed onions, yum. Fresh tomatoes and green pepper, my favorite. Olives....absolutely the best!

Happy Cooking.

A Perfect Day...

If I could have a perfect day, I know it would begin in the soft gold of the rising of the sun. There would be a slight breeze coming in from the open window. My alarm would go off, but not with the irritating buzzing that most alarms do. It would be music welcoming me back into the real world. I'd stretch and slowly open my eyes to the soft colors in the bedroom: greens the color of new buds, ivory paint on the walls, and the solid warm browns of my wooden furniture. The woven grass rug under my feet prickles just a bit, forcing an awakening to begin throughout my body, and the sleep to lift itself away.

I'd walk into the bathroom, and after relieving myself, step into the shower. If I could have the perfect shower, it would be a rather large thing that I had constructed tile by tile. The edges wouldn't be cut at all, as most tiles are to fit the form of the room they inhabit. I would take pieces of broken ceramics and build the puzzle into the corners. I think I'd tile the whole room except for the ceiling, merely because it would be consistent and waterproof. The floors would be a tan, the walls a transition between gold and cerulean, and the ceiling a soft white. For shelving, I'd make recessed alcoves in the walls. My sink would be a faucet and a simple bowl. Most of the water that generally pours into the sewer system I'd divert for my own usage, to water the grass and the garden outside.

After breakfast in the small kitchen that's more like an afterthought than the center of my home, I enter my studio. I do some yoga, and open the windows. This studio space is the biggest part of my home, but it doesn't seem cluttered. The shelving that I built to store my supplies goes all the way up to the wall, and covered with clean white doors with simple grooves routed into their edges for handles. When you close them all up, it's like a wall. My furniture is very simple. I splurged on an Ikea sleeper sofa and two loungechairs. Underneat them is an array of colorful carpet squars from Flor. There is one piece of art on the wall behind the sofa, and it is enormous. There are several sources of lighting around the room, mostly functional, some translucent and one, another piece of art. I turn to the easel, and paint for a few hours before I hear another alarm, signaling that I have to get myself out and off to work in the real world. Ironically, I have no idea what this work will be, since right now at this point in my life, I am unemployed and undergoing soul-searching to see what would be a good option for an artist with an open mind like myself. For the meantime, it is good to think on it.

I have a lot of patience, and would probably be a fair teacher, but at the same time I doubt myself as an authority figure. And also, I can imagine what it would be like trying to share my excitement about art to unenthused students who would rather be doing anything else.

I could go a totally different route, and aim to become an art therapist. However, anything involving therapy also involves pain that causes an individual to seek treatment, and I don't know if I have the courage to empathize with emotional distress on a daily basis. I don't know how to react to anger, and generally when confronted, I freeze. I get quiet. I run away. It would require a lot of growth on my part to resolve my own past and heal before I could even try to heal someone else with art and self-expression.

I could do the commercial art routine, which also concerns me. Would creating someone else's vision blur my enthusiasm for expressing my own?

Or, I could do something totally different from all of those things and become a massage therapist. I like to rub people. Physical pains I can handle, and overcome. I could teach yoga, like a lot of people do. I think I've been subconsciously doing it for a long time, maybe even since I was a kid. I could do something in the healthcare industry, like sterilizing medical tools.

After I get doing whatever it is that I do for a living, I return home. I'd like to live in an area where I do not need to own a car, either because the public transit system is so good, or because all areas I need to go to on a daily basis are accessible on a bicycle. I'd also like this place to be more of a dry climate than a humid one, near mountains, if possible. It doesn't have to be a big city, but it would be nice if it had a lot of sidewalks. I don't like it when sidewalks disappear abruptly, only to reappear on the other side of the street. It is the silliest thing I've ever come across, and very inconsiderate to pedestrians...

I don't know who will be waiting for me at home. Perhaps I'll still be married at this time, or perhaps we'll recognize that our paths went their separate ways awhile ago...who knows. I don't know if I'll keep a pet. I'd like to, but they also take the same type of commitment to nurture. Right now, there's a lot of things that I want to experience, and I feel stuck in a place and a routine that just doesn't reflect who I am. I don't feel the connection to the land I once did, and I am very dissatisfied. He knows how I feel, and it seems that our financial burdens/obligations are preventing us from creating an actual plan to move past this swamp. I don't know what we're waiting for, to be honest. Godot, maybe. A sign of which way we should go.

Someday, things will be different. I want them to change for the better. I want to live for myself, and not to be the enabler that I am. It sure feels like I'm all alone out here, unemployed and nearing the end of my benefits. It's hard to wait...and I have been keeping busy in between bouts of temporary work. I like work. I'd love work if it stimulated my creative senses. I love to learn new skills. I love getting to know interesting, intelligent individuals. I miss my social outlet that existed in my old job, even though I knew that it was the wrong career for me to pursue. I was working in a small cafe, and because of a complaint, I feel that I was made an example out of not to be 'rude' to new customers. However, in my defense, I feel that my manager was totally incapable of handling that situation with a rational mind, seeing as she had had three hours of sleep that day and was attempting to work a 12 hour shift.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a lot of character, and if I say something that sounds slightly sarcastic, it's my sense of humor. It sure didn't translate in that situation.

There were two things I took away from that job. I learned the value of hospitality that leaves a customer feeling uplifted and refreshed, which may be a useful skill in the future. I learned that a witty one-line opener can startle people out of their shells, and coax a smile out of their busy lives.

My favorite will always be: "Would you like a double entendre with that?"