the list of things to do

I need to first of all do a little bit each day.

I need to repack the boxes of books, dvd's, and videogames that michal wants to keep.

I need to get the furniture sold.

I need to get my car and Michal's old subaru sold.

I need to make sure we eat nutritiously as well, or we'll just get ill and stressed out.

I need to keep hope that all these things will go easy, and not panic if we don't get everything done.

I need to not give up and quit in the middle of the road. There has been a tendancy to want to do this in my lifetime, especially when the going gets tough. However, it is not an option today, or tomorrow, and it certainly wouldn't help me to quit on everything that I know and love. I need to work on my relationship with Michal as well, and be more optimistic about everything.

Above all else, I need to remember that I have a purpose and value, and that wallowing in self-pity and misery will only hurt me in the long run. After all, the future is sure to be brighter than the past, and I have family who love and care about me.

Rainy Day

Here is a thought for me to ponder. My attachments even to my ideas can cause me to suffer. If I believe it will be difficult, then of course it will be. If I believe it will be easy, then my suffering is definitely lessened.

If I believe that this will be the easiest move, then it will be. If I believe that the going is rough, then not only do I suffer, but those around me, as well. The only thing that I truly have control of in this life are my mind and my actions, and I'd rather be happy than sad, and for those around me to be as well.

Therefore, if I believe that everything will be well, then it will be. If I don't mind, then it doesn't matter. If it seems to matter too much, then it burdens my mind.

I don't truly know what will happen to me in this life, but there are three certain truths which I can find comfort in. When you are kind to others, they are kind to you. When you find a way to enjoy the work in front of you, even a tremendous task can be accomplished with a few small steps each day. Lastly, home is wherever you rest your head at night, even if it is a small space indeed.

JET

So I am not going to work for Jet. I was pretty bummed out yesterday and cried a lot about it, because it always seems that no matter how hard I try, it is just not quite good enough. But now that I have had a night to sleep on it, and think about it a little this morning, my application really did not show that I wanted to be in Japan. I just want to be where my husband is, and since he is getting the interview, there is no guarantee that he'll get accepted either. But what a shame it would be if he didn't! I have two scenarios playing through my mind. We go back to Montana, I find work and start saving up for my plane ticket to Japan, and go and hang out and work part time jobs there. Just like David and Carrie, except reversed. It could be a lot of fun exploring a new culture. Scenario two: I stay behind in Montana and visit my relatives, and work. Considering that I've spent five years apart from them and six months apart from Michal, I could definitely do it and not be miserable. It would be a lot of fun to hang out with Pete and Mom, and go see Mary and Gabby. I'm even looking forward to seeing Helen again! I must be going crazy. Plus I could call Michal for free on skype whenever I wanted to. I could even go work for Nyingma if I don't find work in Montana, and explore Buddhism. In reality, a year is a very short time, and although I would miss Michal terribly if I decided to go the familial route, we would be fine. And think of the crazy sex we'd have when we saw each other again!

The trick for now, is to stay focused on the tasks that must be done, and stay positive about the whole mess. For there is nothing that I can do about any of it except have faith that it will all end well. My goal for each day is to be loving and kind to Michal, to eat delicious meals, and worry less about everything that we have to do. I don't have to do everything alone, because my buddy is with me. Sure, we have a lot to do, but we just do what we can each day, and whatever doesn't get done, we can leave to the next day. It makes no sense to get too stressed out over the small stuff, for we just do what we can, no matter what. And sometimes it's not enough, and that's ok.