I just finished reading a book called Mastering Successful Work, written by a buddhist. What I found most interesting was the lesson of working with kindness and consideration for your co-workers. It certainly makes life easier when you are kind to your husband, and the other people you interact with on a daily basis. It truly is the little acts of kindness which makes life more enjoyable, for we often get so caught up in our own lives that we forget that our actions may have consequences on other people.
When you resist the work that must be done, such as I am resisting the act of moving and many other hobbies that I generally enjoy, you begin to suffer internally. The act of suffering, even though it may seem an insignificant thing that can be put up with for a time, is what Buddha is trying to teach us to avoid.
For example, at this moment, I am quite cold and do not have to be so because Gwen is afraid that we will use up all her wood and burn down her house. As the temperatures reach freezing this week, we shall actually physically suffer because of her wish, which we shall respect, but it does make me wonder about her. However, I shall not press it on her because it will upset her, and she is quite prone to anger. It makes me sad for I do like her a great deal, but the little things that I have noticed over the years of being her friend make me realize that she can on occasion be quite inconsiderate to the people around her.
As for my husband, I greatly enjoy his company, and if I do not get into Jet with him, I do not wish to part with him, but whatever happens must happen. There is little that I can do now but wait and be patient. I shall not worry about the interview, because I have absolutely no control over their decision, and by the grace of God I will continue to wait. Perhaps this coming week I will get my confirmation, and get to go with him to be interviewed.
If this year and a half of waiting has taught me anything, it is that I can endure a lot more than I think I can, as long as I get plenty of rest and breathe calmly. I feel no fear about the future, which is strange, for even if I have no home, I shall be among friends and family. Even if the world provides me with a tent, I shall be happy in that tent, and sing to the birds in the trees.
I mostly wanted to go to church today to hear people singing. I miss that a little bit! I miss my mother's singing. I can't wait to sing with her when I come back to Montana this spring, but I shall have to wait just a little bit!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
My Husband, part deux.
I still love him. I recognize that the moment I stop loving him is the moment that I'll have to walk away. The moment when we have that huge fight and I feel nothing about it.
It's a sobering thought. We've known each other for almost ten years now, and some of the magic has dissipated, but we're very comfortable together. Marriage is not all easy-peasy, it takes a lot of hard work and discipline to make it work. The alternative is to be alone, which doesn't seem that appealing.
The secret is to have little adventures each day, sometimes together, sometimes apart. I get pretty bored of all the things I've been doing lately, especially watching TV and video games. Yes, I am tired of video games.
When you're waiting around for Jet and possibly California to happen, it takes a lot of patience and a little faith. I have been waiting for a year and a half for something good to happen after I got fired for no good reason. I am so ready for a positive change! As long as I get plenty of rest and exercise, I feel I can cope with any sort of stress. I am looking forward to seeing my family in Montana, and to spending quality time with Mom, Pete, and Mary Anne. The poopy ones can go suck it!
It's a sobering thought. We've known each other for almost ten years now, and some of the magic has dissipated, but we're very comfortable together. Marriage is not all easy-peasy, it takes a lot of hard work and discipline to make it work. The alternative is to be alone, which doesn't seem that appealing.
The secret is to have little adventures each day, sometimes together, sometimes apart. I get pretty bored of all the things I've been doing lately, especially watching TV and video games. Yes, I am tired of video games.
When you're waiting around for Jet and possibly California to happen, it takes a lot of patience and a little faith. I have been waiting for a year and a half for something good to happen after I got fired for no good reason. I am so ready for a positive change! As long as I get plenty of rest and exercise, I feel I can cope with any sort of stress. I am looking forward to seeing my family in Montana, and to spending quality time with Mom, Pete, and Mary Anne. The poopy ones can go suck it!
Friday, January 29, 2010
my husband
He is out drinking with friends. I should be out there with him, but to be honest, I don't feel like having alcohol tonight.
He can be very demanding at times, especially when he is very stressed out. Sometimes he is very difficult to live with, and I have to escape to cope with him. He seems to be watching how much I spend like a hawk, so if I want to spend something on a frivolous pursuit, he knows about it. It is very interesting to be so closely watched. It makes me uncomfortable at times. He is certainly becoming a control freak.
I think my meds are totally unnecessary. I want to get off of them gradually, but they're the capsules with slow release. If I don't take them, I don't sleep, and then everything gets so much harder. They never really answered my question of "AM I BIPOLAR". It is a simple yes or no question. They just pumped me full of drugs and assumed that it would work because I was so stressed out, but I know myself and know my capabilities and when to quit. I think sleeping pills would have sufficed. I truly do not believe that I am bipolar, and even if I am, I am the type of person who would never let it get out of control like Dad was. I truly believe during my time of crisis, I needed to separate from Michal, and that at least at the hospital, I was in a safe place. However, I also believe that I simply needed a vacation from my husband, because he was being a little cruel to me and totally unaware of how bad I was feeling, because he was so caught up in his silly anime festival. It still bothers me, because I'm worried about the next time we both get stressed out. It was like being married to Helen to the nth degree. I was considering separating from him for a little while, because I think some time apart would do us some good, because we have been seeing each other for a year and driving each other crazy. It's like when married couples retire and find themselves with a total stranger. It's been better lately, which gives me hope for the future, but I'm scared that I will be ignored when I ask him about this, because it really bothers me. It bothers me a lot. What can I do now but wait and hope for the best.
I write this, because what else can I do?
He can be very demanding at times, especially when he is very stressed out. Sometimes he is very difficult to live with, and I have to escape to cope with him. He seems to be watching how much I spend like a hawk, so if I want to spend something on a frivolous pursuit, he knows about it. It is very interesting to be so closely watched. It makes me uncomfortable at times. He is certainly becoming a control freak.
I think my meds are totally unnecessary. I want to get off of them gradually, but they're the capsules with slow release. If I don't take them, I don't sleep, and then everything gets so much harder. They never really answered my question of "AM I BIPOLAR". It is a simple yes or no question. They just pumped me full of drugs and assumed that it would work because I was so stressed out, but I know myself and know my capabilities and when to quit. I think sleeping pills would have sufficed. I truly do not believe that I am bipolar, and even if I am, I am the type of person who would never let it get out of control like Dad was. I truly believe during my time of crisis, I needed to separate from Michal, and that at least at the hospital, I was in a safe place. However, I also believe that I simply needed a vacation from my husband, because he was being a little cruel to me and totally unaware of how bad I was feeling, because he was so caught up in his silly anime festival. It still bothers me, because I'm worried about the next time we both get stressed out. It was like being married to Helen to the nth degree. I was considering separating from him for a little while, because I think some time apart would do us some good, because we have been seeing each other for a year and driving each other crazy. It's like when married couples retire and find themselves with a total stranger. It's been better lately, which gives me hope for the future, but I'm scared that I will be ignored when I ask him about this, because it really bothers me. It bothers me a lot. What can I do now but wait and hope for the best.
I write this, because what else can I do?
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