A Letter to an Absent Man

Dear Michal,

I know you will probably not read this. Believe me, I am scarcely believing that I am writing this and sending it out to the vast void of the Internet. Whoever you are, internet reader, I am surprised that you are curious enough to read this...or have nothing better to do, as I currently have nothing better to do than to write it.

I fell in love with you a long time ago, and though it has not always been easy being with you. I thought what we had together was mostly good, not mostly bad. There have been times when I fantasized about you not being there, my constant companion and reflection to all my faults. Shouldn't a marriage be a partnership, not a monologue where I become a ghost?

Where are you in California right now? Part of me wonders why you are wandering there without a wedding ring, part of me...just doesn't want to know. Yes, I know you want to be an artist. I've always known that. But is that really...enough? Art is such a elitist thing at times. I cannot truly recall the last time I met an artist who seemed humble at the amazing work he or she produced, except for maybe Kunkle that time. Even you, you have fallen prey to the idea of Better Art, Superior and also Inferior Art. Please do not deny this.

I'll write more later...for now, I just want to say... You, and your art, have greatly changed over the years. I hate to admit it, but I liked it better previously.

-N

Here and There

So...it's around ten at night, and the house is mostly quiet. I'm laying in the bedroom that we painted together, except I lay in it alone. I have been laying here quietly for the last five months, while he is very far away in California. February is almost over, and spring will eventually arrive.

I wonder at all the time that I've had to myself. I've found a job...and some semblance of a life here in Montana. It's possible that we shall be separated for a long time. It's also possible that the future will reunite us sooner rather than later, but if that is the case, will we mesh well together, or will we grate on each other like we did when we were unemployed together in NC? Definitely not that happiest time of our lives...

Here I am, and there he is. I wonder if he's happy over there. Perhaps he will miss me on occasion. Do I miss him?

Do I?

What is love?

Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...

So, I've been not updating for a while. I've been doing other things than thinking about my existence, my purpose, my relationship with my husband, my lack of employment and inability to focus long on too much.

What, you may ask, have I been up to?

I have been making lunch.

I've also been watching porn, hentai, and reading fanfics, which is like porn for women, which a lot of men don't quite get. Oh, and before I got on this kick, I was playing stupid facebook games that I almost want to delete now because they require you to log in and play them once a day. I'm so totally for Ninjawarz now...I hadn't logged in in like 5 months, and came back and had all these karma points to distribute, all this gold to spend, and no commitment. :) Ninjawarz, you can be my fuck buddy!!

So, We haven't had the Discussion yet. There are definite perks that make me feel quite comfortable and happy here in Billings, MT, namely family and shelter from the elements. Yes, I thought about finding some part time job when I first got here. But when I realized how ambitious Michal was about the renovations to the place, that kinda flew out the window. And true, I didn't spend all my time working, but then again, neither did he.

He has this idea that I don't always want to go to California. Usually, this idea presents itself when he believes me to be unhappy with him. And yes, sometimes I am unhappy with him. I have nothing against California, but I do sometimes have something against him. Usually it is something that I lack the tact to say without getting pissed off. I am currently avoiding the issue, because what will it get me if I say, "No dear. I can't go with you on your adventure, because you're driving me up the wall right now."

I've procrastinated a little bit over the past two weeks. I could've painted the living room in that time, and ripped up the carpet as well, but does it really matter? It won't take me very long to get it done now that I've got the ceiling painted. Oh, that was fun for my arms...two coats and holding a stick over my head for five hours.

Sometimes I ache so much for his affection. Sometimes I wish, instead of him focusing so much on what he doesn't like about me and my shortcomings, he'd remember that I also have good qualities.

It's not like I don't know that I love him, or hate him. It would be indifference that would signal the end of the relationship, right? That moment, when you realize you just don't give a damn what he thinks anymore. I'm not there yet, but some of the things he's said have hurt me, especially when they are true.

Like that day in Hewitt's when he thought I was dressed not respectably enough.

Like the fact that we don't really make love, but we occasionally have sex. Like, twice a month, maybe three or four. I've taken to masturbation and fantasizing about a Romantic Stranger. Julio Gonzales, or whoever you are, thanks for putting up with my sexy thoughts. Michal, feel free to jump in any time. I miss you.

All I really want him to consider is his own actions towards me. He sees it quite well from his perspective, but if I think he were to sit down, think about his complaints sometimes about what I do and what I don't do, and why I get angry and frustrated with him, perhaps he'll have a little sympathy towards me. Sometimes all I get from him are orders barked all day. Sometimes, I'll get a peck on the cheek. Sometimes, I get a lecture. Thankfully I get several hugs a day. I don't know what I'd do without those...

holy garage sale batman

the garage sale is tomorrow. holy shit.

Stupid is as stupid does

I have had a weird week.

And stupid is really as stupid does.

I spent some money, went for a ridiculous road trip, and really hurt his feelings. I feel awful about it. I hope he will forgive me for being a wimp about him and everything else.

And we need to talk, and also to have our own separate but equally fulfilling lives. There is a change on the horizon, and change is healthy and good, but also scary and stressful. I need the grace to accept it with an open heart, and not panic.

the list of things to do

I need to first of all do a little bit each day.

I need to repack the boxes of books, dvd's, and videogames that michal wants to keep.

I need to get the furniture sold.

I need to get my car and Michal's old subaru sold.

I need to make sure we eat nutritiously as well, or we'll just get ill and stressed out.

I need to keep hope that all these things will go easy, and not panic if we don't get everything done.

I need to not give up and quit in the middle of the road. There has been a tendancy to want to do this in my lifetime, especially when the going gets tough. However, it is not an option today, or tomorrow, and it certainly wouldn't help me to quit on everything that I know and love. I need to work on my relationship with Michal as well, and be more optimistic about everything.

Above all else, I need to remember that I have a purpose and value, and that wallowing in self-pity and misery will only hurt me in the long run. After all, the future is sure to be brighter than the past, and I have family who love and care about me.

Rainy Day

Here is a thought for me to ponder. My attachments even to my ideas can cause me to suffer. If I believe it will be difficult, then of course it will be. If I believe it will be easy, then my suffering is definitely lessened.

If I believe that this will be the easiest move, then it will be. If I believe that the going is rough, then not only do I suffer, but those around me, as well. The only thing that I truly have control of in this life are my mind and my actions, and I'd rather be happy than sad, and for those around me to be as well.

Therefore, if I believe that everything will be well, then it will be. If I don't mind, then it doesn't matter. If it seems to matter too much, then it burdens my mind.

I don't truly know what will happen to me in this life, but there are three certain truths which I can find comfort in. When you are kind to others, they are kind to you. When you find a way to enjoy the work in front of you, even a tremendous task can be accomplished with a few small steps each day. Lastly, home is wherever you rest your head at night, even if it is a small space indeed.